trans and online (17.11.25)

trying to find a happy middle ground between being so online it eats away at my soul and being so offline i cant engage with my interests is hard, but neocities feels like it helps me strike that balance.

it's nice to get the need to share my insanity on the internet out of my system, without being exposed to so many miserable people, which is the main reason i stopped using tumblr... everyone is so sad there, and i can understand why, but i couldnt handle being surrounded by misery so much. neocities also has enough community for me to feel part of an online culture, while not enough that isolates me from the people around me irl... which is the reason i stopped using discord.

cutting things out of my life hurts, especially as someone who hates change. it's like i'm making good decisions that hurt in the meantime knowing they will make me feel better in the longrun. i'll miss my online friends but socializing irl with tangible people i could see in person did wonders for my mental health. maybe it WAS that damn phone

but at my core i still am a little online weirdo, and neocities lets me be that. more... secretly, i guess. i'm not as exposed as i am on twitter and tiktok (by the way, i keep getting recognized from tiktok its a nightmare i cant believe im semi popular on there free me). in a way im doing that trope where a character has a secret blog/website where they're themselves and nobody irl knows who they are... i would love it if i could reach a point where i could freely be myself on this website.

myself is not really... social-media friendly, i guess. i'm probably hypersexual and there's no use denying that, it's just sucky that i can't freely be myself on the internet without feeling like i'm making everybody uncomfortable, or seen as gross or a bad person for having strong and frequent sexual desires. i'm still building this website, so i don't know how it will turn out in the end, but i'm trying to label everything with appropriate ratings so as to not jumpscare anyone browsing neocities.

maybe another day i'll write a more detailed post about it but, it's just isolating yknow? being such a sexual person and being unable to express it in a way that doesn't make me feel grossed out at myself or like i'm grossing out others. everyone in my irl life sees me as extremely prudish and it's not because i am, it's the opposite, i just feel so ashamed that i feel like i HAVE to keep myself in check

it could just be part of... being lonely. sexually lonely i mean. i've never even kissed anybody, i don't even consider myself particularly attractive either. i think i'm cute! i think i'm pretty! but attractive? it's a whole different deal. i can't comprehend the idea that anyone would be interested in me sexually, let alone romantically. and when they say they do i just assume they're either making fun of me or just don't know me well enough.

being transgender adds to that, it feels like people who are attracted to me (if those even exist) either don't know i'm transgender, and would change their mind if they found out, or KNOW i'm transgender, and it's the only reason they're attracted to me.

if i'm being real... i only really feel attractive when i'm covered in clothes that conveniently hide the details of my body. if it's left to imagination it feels safer, the reality is just uncomfortable. i wish i could look at my body as it is and see an attractive man but i really don't, and it's taking a lot of effort to make myself change my mind about that.

i've been on T for three months already, and the changes have helped, but there's still a lot of personal. like. mental work to be done. part of me feels like i'll never see myself as an attractive guy until somebody else does, and until somebody pursues me sexually or romantically like that... even then, experience has taught me that not even that is enough.

man, this wasn't supposed to be that sad. i just came back from doing some artwork for my job, maybe i'll start working on my art page but no promises.

if you read this far, i hope you have a nice day!

dearly,

apollo